Feeling guilty

The guilt of choosing the path with the weird inconsistent funds is one that I have been battling for the last 3 years (when I decided to embrace again the reason I moved from Chicago in the first place). And it always comes up when I transition back into performing full time. This is what triggers it. Not a bill or my bank account looking scary. What triggers it for me is an email from my dear friends that includes a job description. Usually some amazing job that is seeking a Director or Coordinator of Education, and in the message is usually the sentence, "I thought of you when I saw this."

No, you weren't.

Now let me preface this for all my well meaning friends. This is not an attack or ungratefulness. This is an honest reaction that I am sure you have no idea that you trigger with those emails.

Each time these emails come through advertising a "real" job I begin to feel guilty for not applying. I feel guilty for not maximizing the 2 degrees and years of experience. I feel guilty for not going after the every 2 week paycheck. I am a single parent who will always need money for shelter, food, clothes, bills, student loans, and more bills. And just when I finally start feeling good about my accomplishments as an artist another damn email comes through and the guilt wraps its arms around my neck like a noose.

Then I look at my daughter and realize like a dear friend told me, "You are teaching your daughter the most important, empowering lesson of life--to go after your dreams, with dedication and passion."

And then I get an email about a casting notice or I book a commercial. Or I simply recall my financial situation when I did work a "real" job and got paid twice a month or every two weeks, and how I was living check to check. I remember being the Director of a drop out program and a classroom teacher,  and spending a great deal of my check on supplies or other items that the students needed. Most of all I remember not having any time for my daughter. And then I climb down from the cliff from the guilt.

So here is a bit of advice. I say it with love and complete understanding, Stop sending me emails about "real" jobs! When this journey is over, I may welcome them once again, but for now I am living my dream the best way I know how and on my own terms.