The Wall of Exhaustion

This summer has brought with it a cornucopia of opportunities. And as grateful as I am to be doing what I love, it is also sprinkled with some annoyances. Moments when you are reminded that you are your own business and that you must protect that at all costs or else. Moments when you are working so many hours during the day that sleep is a luxury that you cannot afford and your body and spirit crave it. Moments when you have to go to the laundromat several times during the week. Not to mention cooking and cleaning and all that jazz that is connected to being a single parent actress. Ugh!

That is when I reach for this blog. It gives me life when I am literally drained of everything. I gives me life when I am literally feeling the wall of exhaustion upon me. This week will be a beast, but soon I will have some daytime free to sleep, rest, catch up on Ray Donovan and maybe even see some friends and share some wings and toast a hard cider. But until then, take heed that if you need to contact me about some unnecessary BS, I do not have the time. If you are sad because I forgot your birthday or didn't wish you a Happy Fathers Day or a Happy whatever holiday, stand in line because you may be waiting until next year if you can stand it. In other words, don't bother me until I am rested enough to exercise some tact and understanding, which I am very short on at the moment. 

In other words, I am very busy right now. So busy that I cannot even pay attention. Literally and figuratively. 

Come and support my art. Send me a text so that I know that you are alright. Live your life without worrying about mine. Take in some sunshine and bask in glory of summer. If you have a regular job, enjoy your two weeks off or the month off. Find some joy before you come darken my door because exhausted people have no patience or time for pity parties And definitely do not have time for any guilt trips, save that mess for someone who actually cares, because right know I am not the one. So smile and give me a holler after July 21st. That is when I can exhale. And boy, oh boy, am I ready....

The truth about Orlando

First, to all of my queer, trans, lesbian, gay, and bisexual friends, I just want to take this moment to tell you that you are loved, but the truth is you have not ever been safe. And many of you exist in this constant state of flux because fear and phobia continue to want to render you invisible, worthless, and even worse, expendable. Orlando reminded all of us the truth of those words and sentiments. The attack even reminded us of the deep phobias and fears we hold towards those of Islamic faith. But there is a larger truth.

The truth is we have got to do better, if we want to see tomorrow or 5 years from now, we have to face the facts. Assault rifles, guns and bigger guns are killing people. 50 people walked out of their door for the last time on June 12, 2016. They walked out believing they had another day to try again. Another day to tell someone that they loved them. Another day to have that argument they said they would wait for. Another day to kiss someone. Another day to make love, Another day to accomplish one more goal and make one more dream come true. But a spray of bullets had something else in mind. And those bullets did not shoot themselves. And those bullets did not get purchased at a local store, but they were obtained legally. We search far and wide for weapons of mass destruction, when they are right under our nose.

I am exhausted of death, I am exhausted of love having to hide in a bigger closet. I am exhausted of the religious right confusing hatred for Christianity because they forget that Matthew is an actual book in the Gospel, and it preaches about love being the most important commandment of all. I am exhausted of store front preachers bending historical text from the Scriptures to condemn everyone else except for a chosen few. If one more person speaks on procreation when we have children with no homes or parents because we have overpopulated, or if one more person forgets that the biggest sin committed in Sodom and Gomorrah was the lack of hospitality shown to God's angels, then I am going to scream.

We cannot survive another mass shooting. Our most vulnerable communities are being attacked and gunned down at will. Yet, the 2nd amendment continues to be thrown into the faces of the grieving. America is in need of a time out. We need no more laws because if the owner of assault weapons or guns happens to lose them, he or she only needs to report them stolen and the guns are free to kill whoever and whenever. We need to remember that the 2nd amendment was written when there was no America and no organized law enforcement. And the Constitution is a living and breathing document so stop choking everyone out on the virtues and importance of the 2nd amendment. If other parts of the Constitution had not been changed many of us would still be considered 3/4 of a person, but I digress.

It is time to ask yourself. can we take any more death? Are we waiting for it to stop by our personal space and grab someone who we love and adore? Or can we all simply agree that enough is enough. Because if not, then it is time for me to pack up Maya and my family in Chicago, and move to a country where this human experiment has run its course because I am done.

We want Access not Excellence

I have been thinking a great deal about access. This is better than excellence. The term itself implies that something is bad in order for something to be great. We live in a country with excellent healthcare options, but the access is limited and controlled by insurance companies. Even with the Affordable Healthcare Act, which is a step in the right direction, individuals and families continue to literally die waiting for approvals and the green light for necessary life-saving services and procedures. Artists know the threat of living without coverage since we are only eligible through Actors Equity after working at least 20 weeks or more in order to gain a few months of coverage. This is close to impossible to achieve when most regional theaters (that employ over 80% of current working actors) only do shows that last 9 to 10 weeks a piece. And let us not even start with SAG-AFTRA, which provides coverage based on weeks of work. Most of us get co-star roles, which only tape for a day or two.

Imagine living in a country that valued all of its citizens enough to provide access to decent housing, healthcare, healthy and affordable food options, and a living wage. Imagine if this country valued its artists and visionaries enough to provide the time and space for creativity without the stress of homelessness, sickness, or worry. Imagine a country that did not make you always choose between just existing and actually living. This has been on my mind because poverty and affluence continue to exist side by side in most of America. We always hear about what other countries are doing and we constantly wonder why it never happens here. There are many reasons but all of them come right back to race and gender. We have created a class system and an economic dependence on some being kept at the bottom and some being at the top with the majority squeezed in the middle aspiring to get to the top eventually. It is a cycle that is not based on kindness or goodwill. And the funny thing is that it affects all of us at the end. Remember how the war on drugs was geared towards the ghetto when all of a sudden the drug problem arrived at the front door of suburban white America? Well this idea and concept of access has and will do the same.

A country will always be remembered for how it treated its artists and innovators. We are the wind beneath the wings of the madness. Our music, writing, film, poetry, visual art, photography, theatre, dance, and more shine a great light on the ills of our great country. Art brightens the way when the darkness can almost seem too much or too bleak, Art has survived to tell the truth about our past when no one else dared to speak. It tells a story about the present and shines a beacon into the future. It is the reason that it is being stripped from public education. It represents the truth and it empowers our youth to share their truth and it develops adults who are courageous to fight when everyone else is too exhausted to soldier on.

When the world is dust there will only be art left to tell our story. What do we want it to say? Because if we are not careful only silence will be left if we continue to forget that access is always more important than excellence. In fact, without access we only can achieve mediocrity, in this lies the great paradox.

Eviction and what to do?

Now this may seem like a topic that has no place on a blog about acting and education and being a single parent. But, in reality it has every right to be here because eviction, inconsistent income, and being a single parent coincides with each other on a daily basis. And since re-reading Eviction by Matthew Desmond and the New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander to prepare to co-facilitate a few book talks this summer, this time around I was left with the gnawing sensation at the pit of my stomach of, "What can I do? or What can we do? or even better "Why has this been such a consistent problem?"

I have chosen this path of uncertainty because it brings me great joy.  But many of of my fellow artists work jobs that they hate and love in order to stay in this life we call show business. When you watch documentaries about working actors versus famous people the constant struggle is money. A few have family and significant others who provide the security necessary for them to keep a roof over their head and food on the table, but this is not the truth for many of us. In fact, our lives mirror the poor and those who live on the bare minimum based on our gender, race, and family. Many of my fellow Black actors know what the sting of eviction court or housing insecurity looks like. Many of my fellow white actors do not. And that is why I am left with the question of, "What can I do? or What can we do?"

I know Black single parent teachers or even married couples who have to take payday loans out just to make ends meet. Or even worse, borrow funds from a high interest loan shark just to get into a decent home. How does this happen when these same individuals follow the supposed blueprint for success? Graduate form high school, stay out of trouble, don't get killed by the police, attend college, get a good job, and oops you are still broke.

This is a constant problem and it sickens me to my core. I see it in my community, in the eyes of my friends, and in my own life. And before we speak about spending habits, and how we can just be better if we do better, please remember that housing costs rise with incomes because making money off of new tenants is directly correlated to individuals earning more money. It is a business that is not based on charity or kindness or goodwill. This means that the Housing Act of 1968 has never been enough. Providing poor housing and evictions are the catalyst of this business.

Many of my previous and current students have high absenteeism as a result of constant moving. It affects employment when parents or caregivers are looking for new housing. It is even more stressful when you are under the clock of the sheriff coming to throw one's stuff on the lawn or even worse shoving personal belongings into a storage unit. This also increases the actual cost of moving and the insurmountable debt. Not to mention the stress of getting rejection after rejection, hoping beyond hope for just one yes.

We all need housing to thrive and be happy. In other words, it is a basic need that if not met can lead to mental and emotional instability. Not a shock that many who find themselves in this cyclical chaos are more likely to commit or consider suicide or simply have a mental breakdown. And it is a problem that no politician has ever tackled or mentioned. And if you throw in the laws that are in place that keep you out of public housing if you have a felony record, and that evictions occur twice as much to Black women then we begin to see how and why families are broken and fragmented. Why relationships are damaged?

Some will read this and believe that poor choices are the only problem, but there are actual obstacles that are supported by law and current housing structures that make this a shared problem for all of us regardless of race, income or gender. We need to do better.

I am no longer seeking help from a broken, sexist,  and racist system. I want to gather with some folks who are willing to help out a village one person, and one family at a time in order to make a difference. Fortunately, I exist in a network where the work occurs, but What else is there to do?