Tuesday, December 29, 2020

If I Die Tomorrow...

So it is the end of 2020, and each year, this is a time for reflection and introspection. And I do not want to make jokes about death or dying with over 300,000 American deaths as a result of COVID-19. And the numbers are climbing. We have also lost loved ones due to cancer, murder, accidents, and natural causes. This makes death real. It makes near death experiences of 2020 even more poignant. It makes me not want to waste time doing anything that does not bring me joy, edification, or creative experiences. I no longer want to spend time with people who make me exhausted, sad, or even worse uninspired. So this is my reflection on if I were to die tomorrow what am I grateful for. 

So here it is, if I die tomorrow, I will always be grateful for my mom, my aunt, my cousin, and for being a mother to my amazing Maya. I am grateful that Maya is learning some hard lessons while managing her mental health and grief, and that she can find moments to smile while knowing that it is okay to not be okay. Maya has also taught me that we cannot run from obstacles, "Where am I not going to be Black and a Woman?" Facts! I am grateful, that some people have stopped speaking to me, and I am even more grateful for taking better care of me. I have a tendency to always think of others first, and often to the detriment of self. I am learning (thank you Debra Wright) that "No is a complete sentence." I also don't rush to pick up the phone nor respond to an email. I am also no longer rushing to accept apologies because lets face it, someone did something that pissed me off and the goal should be for that to not happen again, fuck a sorry. LOL! Just writing that gave me great joy and peace. I am grateful for all the lessons of 2020.  

This year, many artists lost contracts and saw work vanish in the blink of an eye. I am grateful that auditions continued to come. I developed some amazing virtual audition techniques in the process. I also finished my solo show, which includes 8 original songs (written by me).  In the midst of the crazy, I found inspiration to build Gumbo Lab. A virtual platform dedicated to BIPOC artists. And The Solo Project, which is the first Gumbo Lab production, is being sponsored by the Leeway Foundation and Black Lives Matter Philly, along with numerous individual donors. This is a major win during a time when many are struggling financially. Each weekly check-in that we have with the directors, cinematographers, and the artists has been inspirational and confirms that the community that I wanted to build and nurture is becoming a reality each week. Watching the gumbo cook is amazing! Ultimately, the Soul Full Celebration was a labor of love that featured some of my most talented friends performing and speaking about the wonderful work they continue to do in the community. Another positive for 2020. 

I have been a part of some great virtual projects this year as a behind the scenes producer and in front of the screen as an actress reading new shows for new playwrights. Helping organizations to get the youth vote out with the Philly House Party. Organizing an impromptu concert which featured artists from LA, NYC, Philly, Brazil, and social justice and local organizations. Finding joy in the midst of the storm is a theme for 2020. And as I look back, I am reminded that I tried to make a way out of no way. And that I am surrounded by some amazing friends and family. 

In the world of publications, I started with one chapter in a compilation about Black Lives Matter at School, and will go into 2021 with several more about race, black feminism, and what it means to do the work that many of us avoid. Confirmation that learning does not start or end with the number of degrees earned. 

Continued lessons that everyone is not who they appear to be on social media, and we all need to practice more honesty and integrity when it comes to our work and our intentions. I have gotten closer to some friends who I had lost contact with. I have been able to share holiday traditions and more with family in Chicago thanks to Zoom. And I am also reminded that when people are fearful they can exhibit some behaviors that can make you crazy if you allow it. And I am no longer allowing it nor am I giving anything that does not feel right in the light of day. Because I have lost friends and family to natural causes and murder in 2020 so my perspective on what I want life to be is becoming very very clear. 

Of course, I pray for life and to spend more time with my family and friends. But, I am grateful that I continue to live my life as if each day is my last. Not taking any moment for granted. Not taking any moment of inspiration or creativity for granted, It is why I keep a notebook near my bed. Some of the best things I have written came from that notebook. Listening to my spiritual guides to avoid difficult lessons. Reconnecting to my center so that I can be more balanced and "see". And let's face it. Many of us cannot say the same. It is the reason we spend so much time on social media trying to convince others and ourselves that everything is amazing or that we are such experts in "everything." When the truth is, many of us live in constant fear, and many of us do not know how to exist with fear so we fight it by lying to ourselves or even worse making others peoples lives miserable. We also love to hide behind our deep flaws and self-harming habits while critiquing others for having similar demons. This is why the 4 Agreements are so important (Thank you Don Miguel Ruiz)

  1. Be impeccable with your word
  2. Don't take anything personally
  3. Don't make assumptions
  4. Always do your best
Live, Reflect, Shed, and Repeat

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