Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Feeling guilty

The guilt of choosing the path with the weird inconsistent funds is one that I have been battling for the last 3 years (when I decided to embrace again the reason I moved from Chicago in the first place). And it always comes up when I transition back into performing full time. This is what triggers it. Not a bill or my bank account looking scary. What triggers it for me is an email from my dear friends that includes a job description. Usually some amazing job that is seeking a Director or Coordinator of Education, and in the message is usually the sentence, "I thought of you when I saw this."

No, you weren't.

Now let me preface this for all my well meaning friends. This is not an attack or ungratefulness. This is an honest reaction that I am sure you have no idea that you trigger with those emails.

Each time these emails come through advertising a "real" job I begin to feel guilty for not applying. I feel guilty for not maximizing the 2 degrees and years of experience. I feel guilty for not going after the every 2 week paycheck. I am a single parent who will always need money for shelter, food, clothes, bills, student loans, and more bills. And just when I finally start feeling good about my accomplishments as an artist another damn email comes through and the guilt wraps its arms around my neck like a noose.

Then I look at my daughter and realize like a dear friend told me, "You are teaching your daughter the most important, empowering lesson of life--to go after your dreams, with dedication and passion."

And then I get an email about a casting notice or I book a commercial. Or I simply recall my financial situation when I did work a "real" job and got paid twice a month or every two weeks, and how I was living check to check. I remember being the Director of a drop out program and a classroom teacher,  and spending a great deal of my check on supplies or other items that the students needed. Most of all I remember not having any time for my daughter. And then I climb down from the cliff from the guilt.

So here is a bit of advice. I say it with love and complete understanding, Stop sending me emails about "real" jobs! When this journey is over, I may welcome them once again, but for now I am living my dream the best way I know how and on my own terms.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

My love hate relationship with auditions

Auditions. What can I say? Imagine me screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling out my locs. Does that give you an idea?

Auditions are a necessary and crucial aspect of this business we call acting. Once a week (or at times more), I find myself standing in a room with a total stranger singing my 16 bar selection or performing my 2 contrasting monologues. You attempt to bring all of your personality and talent into 2 minutes. Not only do they seek talented individuals but they also prefer actors they want to work with. (Check all attitude at the door)

No matter how long you have been doing this many of us still have to audition in order to get a job. Unlike the letter or rejection email you may get from a traditional career, you will never know why you were not selected. It could have been your height, ethnicity/complexion shade, hair style, body type, the fact you wear glasses, or that you remind them of someone who they don't like. Did you notice that all of these things are completely out of your control? So guess what? You can't sweat it. Should you take classes, practice your audition material, take care of your physical and spiritual health? Yes! But, all you can do is be prepared and do your best.

Realize that you may never simply get a call like Patti Lupone informing you that a great role is yours for the taking from some amazing director. Most of us will even audition for folks we have worked with before. Does that mean you have arrived? You can now stop practicing and attending dance classes. Hell no! It simply means that you have (prayerfully) developed a new network who likes working with you. Does this make the process easier or mean that you will get casted no matter what? Nope! Because you are not the only one on their short list. And at the end of the day the decision lies with the person or organization doing the hiring.

I decided long ago that I was going to enjoy auditions. Don't get me wrong, there are moments when I am still running in a circle pulling my locs out. But, I feel better about it somehow. And that's enough.

Now where did I put that new play that I am reading so I can locate a better comedic monologue because most of them suck. Oh, there it is under the piles of music and scripts that somehow always land right near my bed no matter how organized I think I am.

Stay tuned for why you should never ask a working actor, How can I get in the business? Especially when your aspirations are solely based on what you saw on TV or at the movies.

Why do you need a support system?

There have been times when my life as an artist and parent have brought me to a proverbial cliff. And when I felt as if I wanted to leap or simply throw my hands in the air and say, Fuck it! Someone or some circumstance grabbed me by the back of my shirt and yanked me back into the world. The last time I spoke about how faith sustains me. But I also have a support system.  It consists of fellow artists, family, loyal friends, and at times strangers.

They are the ones who keep me sane in an insane career. One that is filled with rejection, no, and uncertainty. When I am onstage or involved in a project, I feel as if  am top of the world. But when I am waiting to hear news after a great callback or to simply hear if I scored the job that is when the darkness can come and find a place in your spirit. When bills are due I begin to doubt my abilities and talents and I wonder if this is really the pathway for me. At that moment, I reach over and grab my phone. Not to call and talk about my own stuff. But, to listen to a friend share some good news or their own stuff. The stories of them not giving up encourage me and remind that this is a marathon and not a race. As Jenifer Lewis so eloquently stated, "Sometimes you have to take the stairs." And I am still climbing baby.

I remember my mom's willingness to drop everything and fly to Philly so that I can go and do a show. I remember my friend who will take my daughter to her Cambodian Dance Festival while I am on stage. I am reminded of a fellow choir parent who offers a ride to my daughter when we both have concerts on the same day. I remember the loan given to me so that I can pay my SAG dues so that I can report to the set. I remember that despite everything I am still here. And I am thriving.

Make sure you have a support system. That is my advice to all emerging artists. It does not have to be an entourage but it should be individuals who have your back no matter what. Shady and jealous people need not apply!

Thank you to those who continually have my back and thank you for those that have opted out of my life (I wish you well wherever you are).