Saturday, August 29, 2015

Why the little successes matter

Okay. Thank you for reading my last post where I literally had some shit to get off my chest. Now for the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Or not.

I just finished watching this documentary titled, "That Gal who was in that Thing." And now I am sitting here listening to Captain and Tenille and Diana Ross. Literally living and breathing the songs from my childhood. And I am reminded of the stats that the films opens up with.

  • 270,000 folks go to NYC or LA each year in order to pursue acting. 
  • 83,000 are women. 
  • At the end of the first year, only 1,000 stay in it. 
  • Less than 21% earn enough to make a living and the average salary is $5,000 per year. 
I am going to let that just sit and marinate. Because me and a fair number of my female peers in this business are considered working actors because we are a part of that 1,000.

Now does this make me all warm and gushy?! Hell no! It makes me grateful. but it also is a harsh reminder that this shit can go south at anytime. And in fact, it has. There have been moments, days, and months where I had no idea how my bills were going to get paid or if me and my daughter would be out on the street. And the reason, I write this blog is because I know that this business is not kind or easy to  Black women or single parents. There are two actresses of color featured in the documentary (that number alone should tell you something). One describes her opening night on Broadway, where everyone stood and applauded her entrance in the presence of her 7 year old son. And he responded, "Mommy you don't need me anymore." She had to make a decision for him to spend more time with his father. Like I had to make a decision for my daughter to spend nearly a year with her grandmother. That decision still lives with me. And you could see in the film that her decision still lives with her too.

I have no idea what and where is the payoff in this life. But as I get older, I realize that the payoff is the work and that all. Each project fills me with joy and when I am not doing this work, I am not joyful. I am just existing. So now I am going to finally work on this buzzfeed style short about dating in Philly. Write some more articles about social-organizing unions. Challenge my peers and strangers to think about race and gender in such a way that the world can stop trying to make my fade into the back. Keep swimming because the water gives me peace and silences the stress each lap I take.

This is why each success is important. And if you know an artist please celebrate each of their successes fully by being supportive as opposed to asking dumb ass questions about how and why they chose this difficult ass life. We already know that.


This summer was s?@#t...and then

So let's talk about this summer. I started hopeful that I would book a gig because for the last two summers I have. Well I didn't. And I was on a roll from September until March. And then shit started to happen. And I started working for a company that literally drained my life source, oh and did not pay me for 3 weeks. Oh and my church paid for work that never got done (all on my watch) (oh and from the same company). And my best friend's bathroom was completely destroyed. And this was just July! Then I did not resign with my agent and I worried what the fuck was going to happen next.

So what does all of this chaos have to do with being a single parent actress? Well, in order for my family to survive, I assemble a set of part time jobs that always work for me. Well, since the end of March, all of those jobs quickly started to dry up or simply not exist. I quickly went into hustle/survivor mode, which always serves me well. Except for this time. The well was drying up quickly and I began to lose sleep because I just could not catch up. Because this is beyond the sucky economy, this somehow was trying to get my attention. And I had no idea for what or why.

In addition to financial and career upheaval, I also lost two of my dearest friends earlier this year. And I still reach for the phone wanting to pour my heart out or simply to laugh at the latest gossip...and I can't.

Then my tenants at my house in Chicago got arrested and a few weeks after vacating the premises all of the pipes were stolen, and the damage they left behind was extensive. So where in the sam hell am I supposed to get monies for my mortgage, repairs, rent, and simple survival?! And why did this perfect storm of events decide to occur this year?! What lessons am I supposed to learn?And can it hurry up because this shit sucks!

And then I get to see my face on the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Nurse Jackie, and now a new mini series. I am still humbled, thankful, and amazed at the generosity that was demonstrated at my Bday Concert, and by those surprises that come in the mail or have been given to me just because that have literally saved me at the last minute. And I thank God each day. Wonderful! Except I am on the verge of leaving this life altogether and I have no idea what to do that will heal my soul and spirit enough.

I did just sign with a new agent and my manager is awesome. So now what? This is where I usually regale my readers with some wonderful spiritual anecdote where everything turns out great....Well I got nothing...and that's the truth...

Friday, August 14, 2015

Getting Away

When do you take care of self? Each day? Once a month? Annually? Never? Many of us, unfortunately, do not take great self care of ourselves. We get mired in schedules and deadlines, building and eliminating relationships, or simply trying to live day by day. In this business, we are pursuing auditions, discovering rejection, building new relationships with casting directors, trying to avoid unemployment, and mostly trying to share our indescribable talent with others without falling into a personal pity party or temporary despair or even worse losing our way.

This is when we need to get away. And we need to include in that crazy schedule of ours days to simply unwind, breathe, meditate and rest. Only then can we continue to strive for our best selves because we are clear and ready to accept things with clarity and truth. So this weekend begins a get away for me. I am leaving everything in this apartment and I am simply taking a pen and notebook. If I want to write, I will. If I want to sleep in and not wake to an alarm, I will. If I want to simply shut my phone completely off, then I will do that too. If I want to eat S'mores for breakfast, I will do that too. I may even bring some books. None about race, education, or politics, but books about self love, spirituality, beauty, and the four agreements. Because these few days are truly about healing and silencing the ticking time bomb in my head so that I can return and accomplish all things.

I advise all of us to take a moment to check in and make sure that we are enjoying life, friends, family, and most of all ourselves. Are we making sure that we are taken care of before anything and anyone else? If not, then eventually, we will be no good to any of those who we love dearly and the health of our own mind, body, spirit, and soul will be in jeopardy.

So get away and be done with the guilt because we all deserve and need these moments.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

When folks say dumb shit

Today, I have had several conversations where dumb shit was uttered as if it was the holy grail of truth instead of what it actually was....dumb ass shit. In fact, this has been going on for quite awhile, but when I need to eat and my blood sugar is dropping it just hits me a great deal harder than usual. So here it goes.

I am having a conversation and we begin to chat about critical thinking in school. I agree with said person that critical thinking activities can at times be lacking and that has a great deal to do with testing and many other bullets that have been attacking public education for the last 15 years. This person says that as he was learning about pi and all of those other things we learn at school, at the time he did not deem it important or relevant. He took an art history class and thought it was the dumbest class ever until he realized as an adult how visual things really are. Well, I took it one step further and added that what you learn at school can also be connected to some great experiences outside of school. For instance, many Philadelphians may not be aware that an Access card (EBT/SNAP) can be used for admission to many of the museums in the city. You will either pay $2 or no dollars for up to 4 people. I also added that my mom made sure that I saw every old Disney movie and my grandfather took me to the opera. His response as I was speaking (Yes, he leaped right on in). Your mom did you damage by taking you see Disney movies...

Womp Womp!

What?! He continued. Walt Disney included many subliminal symbols and images that proved to be negative and damaging to children. Now, I am clear that you see a conspiracy theory in all things. And, I am even aware of the symbols you speak of, but the stories combined with hidden symbols make for a great conversation too. This was countered with silence. Because this is what happens when you say dumb shit. Or you use your knowledge as daggers to criticize someone you do not even know and their child rearing skills. Unless someone says dumb ass shit, then please feel free to critique away, you are doing a public good.

This made me realize that dumb shit and common sense are lumped into the exact same category. One is so common that people actually believe that they are speaking smart ass shit, and the latter is so obsolete that when you actually encounter it it makes you feel as if you met  a pink unicorn.

And i am exhausted of being so PC and careful, by saying, "Well everyone has an opinion and blah blah blah." Not when the words make me want to do the other person bodily harm.

So either I need to stop engaging in conversation altogether, or maybe I should eat first so that I am better prepared to be more tactful....ummm....no thanks, I'd rather be brutally honest instead. And share these wonderful adventures with you.Goodbye inside voice, hello blunt force!