Trial by Fire

"Trials are necessary for our spiritual health and growth" (1 Peter)

Fire is harmful and helpful. It destroys and yet stages the renewal. For the past few months, I had been enduring my very own fire. It challenged me to my spiritual, emotional and religious core. And just when it was ending, more death entered my inner circle. It is during this time that you realize who your true friends are. Those are the ones who send you a text or call to check in, but they are also the ones who don't get hurt feelings when you go dark and sequester yourself away. This grieving has taken on many forms, and unlike moments when I fight it off, I will also lay down and accept it at times so that I can feel my face wet with tears and be okay with that too.

Then when you add all of the death that surrounds us each day with Black lives being taken constantly, I simply want to lay down. But, that is when art and writing become my refuge and my weapon. Whenever I feel silenced by despair or strangled by a lack of hope, I can come here and share with others. I can share good, bad, or ugly news and know that someone will read it and be moved to do something. Change happens one person at a time. With strangers and loved ones.

I stayed in bed all day, thinking about how much love is lacking in today's world. Love for self. Love for each other. Love for family. Love for friends. Love for God or whatever higher power you subscribe to. The truth is, it is the only thing that can save us all. Save us from ourselves, Save us from our natural wretchedness. Save us from our selfishness and closemindedness. And since love is directly linked to forgiveness, it is the missing ingredient.

I am reminded during the darkness, that there is always good and bad. The glass is half full and half empty, perception is a motherfucker. So on the days that things are rough, I will be still and quiet. If I need to state the truth for the naysayers, I have no problem doing so. On the days that everything is light and fluffy, I will relish in the colors and nuances of all the beauty. Because you know what? Love and beauty exists in the good and the bad, but especially in the gray that lies smack dab in the middle.

SO embrace your fires and your trials. Even if there is another one close behind it. Even when you think that you are alone, you are not. And that is the truth that keeps me going. The air that pushes me forward day in and day out. Without God's love and wisdom, I am nothing.

The Truth

Terrence Crutcher and Keith Lamont Scott are the latest victims in a cascade of Black victims shot by police officers. Both, like many others, are on video for all to see. Yet, many question the validity and truth of their deaths. Here is the truth. Both men were unarmed and both men were shot and killed by police. There it is and that is all you need to focus on.

We also need to stop having debates whether the police are or are not racist. Are they simply doing a difficult job as they protect and serve? Are communities becoming more and more dangerous? Well the answer is yes, to all the above. Just a few days ago, the local Police Union announced its support of Trump for President. And a local organization that represents Black police officers came out with a statement opposing the support. And I have friends and family who are members of the police department. But, it never softens or skews the reality.

Each day another Black child, teen, or adult is murdered on our street corners. In Chicago, the numbers are so high that my daughter has nightmares about the city that we continue to call home. Mothers are afraid to send their children to school not knowing if they will ever see them again. And if you are Black and pulled over by the police, there is no guarantee that you will walk away alive.

This is the truth that WE live with each day. Day in and day out. Protesters on the front lines and those on bent knee reminding all of us to wake up. Wake up and realize that OUR lives do not matter. And they have not mattered for a very very long time. And there is a chance that we will elect a President to office who will usher with force, death for us all. This is not the time to be silent. This is not the time to simply pray it away. We must galvanize our forces and energy. We must ask ourselves, if life matters. And will the world be somehow better, if we continue to stand witness to daily public lynchings? The answer is no. A resounding hell no!

As long as one group of people continue to feel as if they are superior and more entitled than another, then we are all sentenced to death. When we care for the least of us, we are then showing care and true love for everyone including ourselves. When we face America's  racist truth then we can move forward.  But, if continue to sanitize everything, or simply eradicate truths from America's past then we will continue this cycle of hate mongering that is always followed by death.

So stop watching that video and saying self-entitled shit about how he must have done something to deserve what he got. He must have done something to provoke the officer. Because if you saw your brother or sister being shot dead by a police officer, and they were not carrying a gun, you would be seeking justice and not spewing conjecture.

And that is all. For now...

I want to be an actor?

I am sure you have heard someone state the following: "I want to be an actor" I can do that. It is so easy and I love the camera" "How can I get in one of the TV shows like you?"

Yes, people do say this and often. I have no idea if it is because of reality TV or because many of us are so good at our job that it looks effortless. Well all of that is BS. This is one of the most difficult careers to ever step foot into. And the lack of understanding borderlines on disrespect and rude. In fact, it is one of the many reasons I started this blog. To set the record straight. To stop folks from saying dumb shit. Or to simply stop having a lottery ticket mentality when it comes to this bizness we lovingly call show bizness.

If you decide that this is what you want to do. Act, sing, dance, and perform in public spaces. First, seek out some training. Take a class. Take a few. First, you must realize if you even have the ability to sing, act, dance or perform. You may find that you can do 1 or 2 out of 4. And that is okay, but please oh please find that out first before simply crashing your first audition. Take improvisation so that you understand comedy and listening to fellow actors on stage.

Second, get a coach. Someone who can help you understand what tools are necessary for this life. If you are a musical theatre actor or an actor that sings, it is vital that you pull together a binder of music. Music that is in your key. Music that tells a story. Music from a variety of genres and demonstrate multiple difficulty levels. A vocal coach that is experienced in musical theatre is a great place to start. Learn how to read music. Maybe even play the piano.

Third, read read and read lots of plays. New scripts, old scripts, classical scripts, and more. Go an attend all shows regardless of what you like and don't like. Create a network of artists so that you can ask questions and truly find our what is what. You should have monologues that demonstrate that you understand your type and age range. Do you look like a mom? An aunt? A tease? A love interest? What? Record yourself performing your monologue so that you can critique and evaluate and fix.

Fourth, do not limit yourself. Always stretch and challenge your skill set. It is the only way that you grow and become better and better. Watch TV and film and find yourself. Look at the arcs of those who share your type and those who are opposite type in order to learn as much you can about the craft.

Now once you build the foundation and you are now certain that this is what you want to pursue. Other tools are a good headshot that looks like you and provides a snapshot of your personality. If you wear limited makeup at auditions do not get a glam shot that looks nothing like you. Be prepared to audition all the time. The more you are seen the more of a chance that you will be cast. Be ready for rejection. Lots and lots of rejection. And be ready to take criticism and use it to make you better instead of arrogance based on false  platitudes.

And this is just the beginning. So I repeat, do not disrespect the craft by thinking that it is as easy as a walk in the park. It is not. It is not impossible but like most lives worth living, it takes work, And you have to be willing to do the work. The research and the work.

Living in My Truth ---- Two Lessons

I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. (Romans 16:17)

My church home is closing on September, 11, 2016. My daughter and I have been members since 2007 and attending since 2006. I literally was walking down Germantown Avenue and saw the sign, "Come as You Are," and walked in the following Sunday. We were new to Philadelphia, and St. Michaels Lutheran Church provided the spiritual haven that I needed. I have been active in every aspect of the church, but for the last month, I have been actively involved in the machination of closing it. The church has been open for since 1788 and a historic graveyard marks the time of its great history. "You got to commune with the dead to understand the living" (Garden of Good and Evil)

I mention this story, not so much, to bore you with the sordid and stressful details of what it entails to close a physical church, but to remind me that I nearly forgot who is the actual center of my life and sanity. I nearly forgot about God in the midst of this because it has been mired in anger, confusion, mistrust, governance, hurt feelings, and everything that looks nothing like Christianity. Then I realized, that this IS what Christianity looks like because it is messy like the humans we are. It is messy like the humans that God sent His only son to die for on the cross. It is the beautiful mess that God loves. He loves us when we are at our best and always when we are at our worst. The church is a building but like the verse states above if ever divisions arise, we must remember what we have been taught. We must remember that the core of our belief is love and that includes loving those when they are at their worst and loving yourself enough to trust in God's plan. Even when it makes us uncomfortable and sad.

Second Lesson in Truth

It is not our abilities that show who we truly are---it is our choices (Dumbledore - Harry Potter)

The next important lesson has also been about choice. Which is also a gift that has always been God given from the start of Creation. We choose. We get to choose. And it is always our choices that are most remembered. It is our choices that determine our pathway. At times it feels as if we are victims of the choices of others. And that is true. At times we feel as if we have no clear choice to make that will make everything better. But, what I know is that I have the power to choose. I also have the power to not take things personally and try my best each and every day. I also choose to lay all of my troubles and heartache at the feet of the Lord. The one who I trust with my life. And to live for living and not to face a better death.

Is this an easy choice? Hell no. In fact, there are moments that I attempt to run and fix everything and get my ass kicked in consequence because my faith faltered or like most humans, I thought I could do this alone. And you know what? I can't. Or I forget that humanity is mostly comprised of fear and passive aggressive feelings. And I can never be responsible for that because each one of us is on our own pathway and journey when it comes to emotional growth and personal healing. So Friday, I took a swim. I went to brunch. I prayed at home, in the pool, in the car, and at home again. And I laid all of my worry and concern and questions at His feet. I chose to not worry. I chose not to forget my faith. Ultimately, I chose clarity of mind, thoughts, and feelings and most of all I chose to live in my truth. 

The truth is that I love without question. I can also let go without question. And when I am at my best, the universe shifts to wrap its arms around me and runs this race with me instead of on top of me. And that is where I am today. So this blog is a reminder to live in your truth. Not a truth where you point fingers at everyone else and find fault and blame outside of yourself. I am talking about a real hard earned truth that includes looking into the mirror and taking responsibility for you. And then taking your worries and laying them at the feet of the Lord without taking on the role of the victim. Because in every wrong, we can always find our choices smack dab in the center. And that is where I always start. Where do you start? What do you believe to be true?