There is a wonderful celebration and acknowledgment occurring after the recent comments made by Tracee Ellis Ross (actor, producer, entrepreneur). I would like to share the quote:
“The childless women have been mothering the world and elevating culture as aunties, godmothers, teachers…you do not need to push out a baby to help push humanity forward.”
---Tracee Ellis Ross
There is a problem with this idea despite its intention to be uplifting and empowering. It assumes that ALL women regardless of hue are celebrated or even acknowledged for pushing out a baby. And that is not simply true. I remember no one ever asking me about settling down or having a family. I do remember my first year of teaching when a student said that she could not believe I had no children and what was I waiting for, I was 22. But mostly, Black women walk through life and the world assumes they are single. And the connection between marriage and children mainly came from the church but since I only went on Sunday, it was not a regular conversation.
If you are a white woman or white adjacent, you are not only celebrated, you are SEEN by the greater society. You are so seen and celebrated, that they do not have the high numbers of death in childbirth as black women do. When there are ads for baby formula white women in print ads often have wedding bands while Black women have none. You know why? Because Black women are not celebrated or believed. Regardless of their economic or educational levels.
So we should be celebrating ALL Black women and their choices. The choice to have children, the choice to not have children, or the choice to simply be. Because being celebrated for having children or being a mother while being Black is an anomaly not the norm. This is why Black mothers often experience higher levels of depression and anxiety than any other group of women.
I will share my story….
When I discovered I was pregnant with Maya, it was not planned nor was it the way that I wanted. My mother told me, “Not wanting a child and the child not coming the way you wanted are two different scenarios that require two different kinds of choices so take your time and decide which scenario this is for you and make your decision.” So I did. During my pregnancy there was no celebration that I was somehow doing God’s work as a woman. Of course, my family of women and my sister friends kept me smiling and lifted. It also illuminated who were my friends and who were simply not. BUT, the world reminded me every chance it could that I was not important. I drove myself to all of my doctor appointments. Thankfully, I had an amazing Black female primary care physician who referred me to an equally brilliant Black female obstetrician. So I was always heard and taken seriously. I took all of the classes by myself. While still teaching full time, attending auditions, and performing. I remember doing a play where the only concern was if my costume would still fit as I got bigger, And there was no celebration from the cast. Despite me being asked to contribute to a baby shower for a castmate who was white and married.
I was getting some work done at my house while expecting, and a person I trusted left my house in shambles after being paid for the work and cleanup. While I was in the hospital with Maya, my mother and aunt went to my house and got rid of all of the construction materials, paint containers, dust, and anything that would make the house unsafe for me and the baby. Black women did that, not the child’s father who left the hospital stating that he was headed over to help, my village of Black women. And not my Black male family friend who had been paid to did the work (We had known each other since 1st grade).
I had bought my first house by the time I was 23 because I listened to my grandmother who always said, “Every woman should have their own money and a roof over their head that is theirs.” And the older I get, all of her advice has proven true. And a dear friend who has been married for many many years always told me, "Never have more children than you can walk away with." These are the things I heard about motherhood and being a woman.
Now some may read this and think, ooh this is just an example of a bitter Black woman. Nope. These are facts. These are experiences that are not simply shared by me. THIS is the truth of what it means to be a Black woman in America regardless of your economic status, education level, parenting status, or where you live. If you are not surrounded by other Black women and do not have access to safe and clean housing then your existence is dangerously fragile and at risk.
“When black people are talked about the focus tends to be on black men; and when women are talked about the focus tends to be on white women.”
― Ain't I a Woman: Black Women and Feminism
My words to all of the Black women and Black mothers out there,,,
I see you. You are important and thank you for being on the front lines in the fight for injustice and inequality. Thank you for saving this country in every election since it has been legal for us to vote. Thank you for being beautiful and whole. Thank you for creating a village around other Black children even when they are not yours by birth or familial relations. To those who have died in ER waiting rooms, in delivery, and after being sent home from the hospital with nothing more than a prescription for ibuprofen, you are the reasons we are starting to see more advocacy and awareness in the medical field (and yes, we still have a long way to go).Thank you for educating America and making sure the truth gets out. Thank you for always being there for everyone, even when your own tank is nearly empty. You are valuable, worthy, and important.
This is a cautionary tale to remind us that Black women still stand at the intersection of all kinds of oppression and abuse.
I see you. I love you. I believe you.
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