I will not exist in FEAR

Since the election, damn, before the election, I have been existing in the middle of the void. That space where you simply exist in silence. And that has been a space of contemplation and reflection, but more importantly I have been listening and observing. Social media has a variety of opinions and post-inquiry. But, often the truth is either missed or simply not said aloud. Racism and oppression, both symptoms of white supremacy are real and alive. And have been for a very very very long time. So now what?

Well since we have been existing in America with the legacy of enslavement, class, sexism, and other overt and covert oppressions, there is a segment of the population (Black people) who have developed a very thick armor over the years. This means that the worst that is to come has been expected and preparations have been made to walk through whatever is thrown our way. So I am not pointing fingers, I am not giving free history lessons, and I am definitely not holding any one's hands. For example, schools are being threatened with closing, the Department of Education may implode, and health care may just vanish.  This simply sounds like Monday. Battles that many of us have been fighting to make better regardless of who is in office. There has been a fight for the truth to come to light and for us to depend on our community. So I choose faith over fear each and every time. My daughter is simply ready to relocate, but they also understand in their chakras that our issues are global. Because oppression is contagious and permeates the very tapestry of humanity. But every 4 years, we are shocked and scared. It is time to start a new habit. Every election should simply bring us closer to the truth of America. It should remind us that the underbelly has always been there and it is not very pretty or cute. And as a long I exist as a Black woman, I will welcome the truth of it, the ugliness, and the trauma You know why?

Because on the other side is power, immaculate beauty, and calm. Have you ever found out something that shook you to your core? And then once the shock wore off, you just felt lighter. That is where I choose to exist. I do not care who voted for who or why. I do not care about leaving Twitter of X. But, I do care about doing the work, resting when I can, laughing often, and being a creative spirit. Because this not only brings me joy but it is also contagious. Just like the nasty underbelly is like a virus. Healing work is a gradual reversal of the negative. It allows us to activate hearts one person at a time. And it exposes the truth of those who mean you harm. 

So yes, I choose faith over fear. I choose my loving community over social media. I choose authentic conversations over theories and conjecture. I choose books over Tik Tok history sound bites. I choose me and my sanity each and every time. Because you can no longer be shocked if you have been living in reality all the while. Face it, the state of education has never had a golden era, there have been some lights when things worked but sustainable greatness, that is a myth. And that applies to about everything from the economy, to infrastructure, to government, and housing. But I digress. 

My loving words for anyone who reads this. Faith is the practice of believing that the unknown and unseen is possible. Living a purposeful life starts with brutal honesty. Loving and laughing in authentic joy starts with recognizing that fear no longer controls you. Fear is simply a barometer to keep you safe not to render you helpless or afraid. Friends and family are the quilt that keeps me warm and safe. Toxic friends and family do not, and shedding them is not a crime or does not make you a bad person. It makes you willing to choose your joy and health first. When a plane crashes they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first. This also applies in life. So let us all see what January brings. For those who are organizers, this is not your time to save everyone, this is your time to observe and determine next steps as a collective. 

Remember love exists for all of us even its simply via loving spirit. And fuck fear. It can kick rocks and walk down the streets backwards. 

The Truth - Black Motherhood and Tracee Ellis Ross

There is a wonderful celebration and acknowledgment occurring after the recent comments made by Tracee Ellis Ross (actor, producer, entrepreneur). I would like to share the quote:

“The childless women have been mothering the world and elevating culture as aunties, godmothers, teachers…you do not need to push out a baby to help push humanity forward.”

---Tracee Ellis Ross

There is a problem with this idea despite its intention to be uplifting and empowering. It assumes that ALL women regardless of hue are celebrated or even acknowledged for pushing out a baby. And that is not simply true. I remember no one ever asking me about settling down or having a family. I do remember my first year of teaching when a student said that she could not believe I had no children and what was I waiting for, I was 22. But mostly, Black women walk through life and the world assumes they are single. And the connection between marriage and children mainly came from the church but since I only went on Sunday, it was not a regular conversation. 

If you are a white woman or white adjacent, you are not only celebrated, you are SEEN by the greater society. You are so seen and celebrated, that they do not have the high numbers of death in childbirth as black women do. When there are ads for baby formula white women in print ads often have wedding bands while Black women have none. You know why? Because Black women are not celebrated or believed. Regardless of their economic or educational levels. 

So we should be celebrating ALL Black women and their choices. The choice to have children, the choice to not have children, or the choice to simply be. Because being celebrated for having children or being a mother while being Black is an anomaly not the norm. This is why Black mothers often experience higher levels of depression and anxiety than any other group of women. 

I will share my story….

When I discovered I was pregnant with Maya, it was not planned nor was it the way that I wanted. My mother told me, “Not wanting a child and the child not coming the way you wanted are two different scenarios that require two different kinds of choices so take your time and decide which scenario this is for you and make your decision.” So I did. During my pregnancy there was no celebration that I was somehow doing God’s work as a woman. Of course, my family of women and my sister friends kept me smiling and lifted. It also illuminated who were my friends and who were simply not. BUT, the world reminded me every chance it could that I was not important. I drove myself to all of my doctor appointments. Thankfully, I had an amazing Black female primary care physician who referred me to an equally brilliant Black female obstetrician. So I was always heard and taken seriously. I took all of the classes by myself. While still teaching full time, attending auditions, and performing. I remember doing a play where the only concern was if my costume would still fit as I got bigger, And there was no celebration from the cast. Despite me being asked to contribute to a baby shower for a castmate who was white and married. 

I was getting some work done at my house while expecting, and a person I trusted left my house in shambles after being paid for the work and cleanup. While I was in the hospital with Maya, my mother and aunt went to my house and got rid of all of the construction materials, paint containers, dust, and anything that would make the house unsafe for me and the baby. Black women did that, not the child’s father who left the hospital stating that he was headed over to help, my village of Black women. And not my Black male family friend who had been paid to did the work (We had known each other since 1st grade).

I had bought my first house by the time I was 23 because I listened to my grandmother who always said, “Every woman should have their own money and a roof over their head that is theirs.” And the older I get, all of her advice has proven true. And a dear friend who has been married for many many years always told me, "Never have more children than you can walk away with." These are the things I heard about motherhood and being a woman.

Now some may read this and think, ooh this is just an example of a bitter Black woman. Nope. These are facts. These are experiences that are not simply shared by me. THIS is the truth of what it means to be a Black woman in America regardless of your economic status, education level, parenting status, or where you live. If you are not surrounded by other Black women and do not have access to safe and clean housing then your existence is dangerously fragile and at risk. 

“When black people are talked about the focus tends to be on black men; and when women are talked about the focus tends to be on white women.”
― bell hooks, Ain't I a Woman: Black Women and Feminism

My words to all of the Black women and Black mothers out there,,,

I see you. You are important and thank you for being  on the front lines in the fight for injustice and inequality. Thank you for saving this country in every election since it has been legal for us to vote. Thank you for being beautiful and whole. Thank you for creating a village around other Black children even when they are not yours by birth or familial relations. To those who have died in ER waiting rooms, in delivery, and after being sent home from the hospital with nothing more than a prescription for ibuprofen, you are the reasons we are starting to see more advocacy and awareness in the medical field (and yes, we still have a long way to go).Thank you for educating America and making sure the truth gets out. Thank you for always being there for everyone, even when your own tank is nearly empty. You are valuable, worthy, and important. 

This is a cautionary tale to remind us that Black women still stand at the intersection of all kinds of oppression and abuse. 

I see you. I love you. I believe you. 

What can we do about gun violence?

There was another set of shootings near a school and where students were present. The growing gun violence in Philadelphia and across America has reached the level of an epidemic. From mass shootings to shooting into crowds of people or simply being gunned down, THIS is everyone’s new reality. When interviewed by the Philadelphia Inquirer, a parent admitted that they believed the shootings were only happening to bad people until their loved one was shot. Advocates across the city are holding vigils, speaking to the community, and trying to work with city officials for a solution. These strategies are employed across other American cities. Increasing policing is another favorite. But unfortunately for Pennsylvanians this will never be enough because our state has a gun problem. We are the gun hub of the northeast corridor. Not New York, us. I remember attending a press conference in 2018 and another in 2020 when two different state reps provided data to prove the point and yet here we are. Not trying to not be the gun hub but to stop the shootings. Contact your local state rep and ask them where the data can be found, because it is something we all need to concern ourselves with. 

Speaking from personal experience, there is nothing more frightening or damning then receiving a call that your child or loved one has been involved in a shooting or your child or loved one calling screaming that they are in a shooting while they are running away. If you have not been touched personally by this, you will. Mostly because the problem of guns still exists. And you know what does not solve the gun problem? More policing, safe corridors, or curfews. Truth be told, I would love for America to simply eradicate guns altogether. It is difficult to shoot anyone if no one has a gun. But of course the 2nd Amendment is quoted often to protect the very guns killing people. And since many of us have no idea what the 2nd Amendment actually means it is a protection based on a false understanding. 

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed

This was crafted when we were separate colonies. Each colony had its own militia, hence the word “free State”. So the right to bear arms was connected to the “protection” of colonial borders, NOT so you and every American could own a gun. This is why we have a division of armed forces to protect and fight. Now my agreement with that concept is a story and history lesson for another time. But, needless to say thanks to the bastardizing of this amendment, we walk around with a flawed purpose. We keep trying to end gun violence without fixing the problem of guns because we have “the right to bear arms.”

Another favorite solution is increasing gun regulations and making sure that shooters are given longer incarceration time. Well that is also flawed and not efficient. Neither of these have decreased gun violence, in fact it has increased since many of our states have some of the strictest and strongest regulations available. We also want to give youth something to do. Make school days longer, increase programming recreation centers. Because let’s face it if they had something more productive to do they would not have time to shoot each other or rob and pillage. Now on the surface, I agree with this idea, but it still misses the bigger point, we have a gun problem. And lots of people have guns and have access to guns. And according to the FBI, white on white crime is just as prevalent as Black on Black crime and guns are often involved so now what? Because moving away from the problem will not save you, look at how well that worked for the drug problem. 

At this point, we need to consider a radical solution for a problem that is not going away and only going to keep getting worse. What happens if guns were simply illegal? I believe there would still be shootings because drugs are illegal and there are still overdoses. But there is always the example of New Zealand and Iceland who banned assault weapons after the first mass shooting occurred and there have been zero since.  But America is not New Zealand or Iceland. Because we have let it go on for so long that it is not enough to simply make them illegal because so many guns are already here. And we threw the same lame such solutions after every mass shooting until we arrived here. The truth is that our history of mass shootings include the killing of Indigenous, Black, and Asian bodies — remember when it was okay to kill folks because you hated them and deemed them disposable? This is the other WHY we never discuss, teach, or ponder when attempting to create solutions. 

So no, I have no idea what should be done. But, I do know everything that is being offered will never work mostly because it has never worked. So what do we do about the problem of gun violence when we refuse to admit that we have a gun problem?

 

Exhaustion - Self Care - Saying No

Recognize what you can control and RELEASE what you cannot...

 Let me just say that,  when folks ask me,  "How are things?" Or "How have things been going?" I often respond with a smile and a nod assuring them that everything is okay. We all do that. Especially women. But the truth is many of us are not okay. Many of us are simply tired, exhausted, depressed, and feeling as if our spiritual energy is simply depleted. We can point to many external things, such as, and not limited to, systemic racism, stupidity, toxic environmental health, poor access to mental health resources, the news, the lack of will of politicians, the economy, the job market (for artists and others), anti-history and anti-trans bills, or all the above including things not even listed here. OR, simply living in the midst of everything can wear a spirit and body down. 

So what to do?

In order for us to thrive and not simply survive, we must find what matters most to us as individuals. We must remember that we cannot change everything all at once, or even more honestly, we may never see change in our lifetime. So then we have to be still. In the exhaustion, and the weariness. We must find the spiritual fortitude to rejuvenate our hearts, minds, and souls. Or else. So I have started to get a monthly massage. Visit my doctor regularly. Rest. Stay connected with friends and family. And say NO because NO is a complete sentence. I have liberated myself slowly but assuredly from providing an explanation for my no, for my refusal. because I finally realize that choosing myself or my loved ones is no one's business but my own. You know what I speak of: "Oh, I am unable to be there because blah blah blah" "I can't pick up those additional hours because blah blah (insert some lie that makes my refusal okay for someone else). No more. 

What else can I do?

Not to view every rejection  or zero response that I receive as a personal affront. Rather, view it as the difficult but interesting journey to a YES. The YES that brings the least amount of baggage, obstacles, and crazy. Every YES is not meant for you and sometimes a NO can save your life and more honestly your sanity. Embracing the sadness and lows when they come, and being okay when sometimes I am unable to get to the other side, because there is always tomorrow, medication, spirituality, and therapy. 

But life is soo hard and crazy right now?

Do not lack courage and do not run away. Sit in the difficulty, because if not, the lesson will come again, and again until you pay close attention. And the next time it may be harsher just to get your attention. So sit in it the first time. Ask questions. Be reflective. If you learn how to sit in the dark, then you will be more prepared when the light comes again, 

So yes, I am exhausted, but I am not finished. Yes, I am still working to gather more moments of self care. And I am committed to the liberation of the word NO, and to expanding my spiritual growth and commitment to faith. 

FAITH brings YES

YES brings growth and opportunity

VISUALIZATION brings TRUTH and REALIZATION

NO ushers in LIBERATION

Dear 2021

Dear 2021,

Thank you for being OVER! 

Thank you for starting out with the power of me providing a space for other artists to shine their light! A community filled with beautiful Blackness - Thank you Gumbo Lab. 

Thank you for showing me after the reading of Black Bitch Cape, what an amazing show it will be in 2022. 

BUT...

You also have been filled with people showing their true selves over and over. You gave us all some hope and then slapped us with new variants - Delta and Omicron. States passing bills literally stopping people from having actual conversations about race, sex, gender justice, and everything in between. Masks and vaccinations were politicized. Schools were unsafe. Reproductive rights were rolled back to the stone age. And the sheer exhaustion and hilarity of the fuckery continue. So here are some lessons for 2022. 

Lesson One: Wear a mask. Period. 

Lesson Two: Get vaccinated and boosted.

Lesson Three: Before you gather with new people or with family you have not seen since 2019. get tested. Because Lessons 1 and 2 are not enough. 

Lesson Four: Read. Educate yourself. Focus on truth and not myths. Real and False history is right at your fingertips - - Choose wisely. 

Lesson Five: Give yourself your flowers today and each day that you are blessed to be here. Do not wait for someone to send them. Go select the blooms that lift your spirit and soul TODAY! 

Lesson Six: Whatever you have always wanted to do but were always too afraid to make it happen. Go make it happen. You may find actual joy and longer life after you free yourself from the mundane and the necessary. Even if that means doing NOTHING! 

Lesson Seven: Go to therapy. Period. 

Lesson Eight: Be kind. Love YOU. And remember that NO is a complete sentence. 

Lesson Nine: Seek out authentic and honest communication 

Lesson Ten: Be reflective every few months and keep what works and discard what is not. That includes habits, employment/careers, organizations, friendships, family, and intimate partners. 

Live fearlessly in 2022! And unabashedly. 2020 and 2021 taught us that life is precious and we are not promised to leave this plane at a certain date or time. We are only promised today. No one will ever love you as well as you love you, so practice every day so you never forget what that feels like. 

Until next time. Love and Light! 

Dear College Professors

 Dear College Professors (Full-time and Adjuncts),

After year one of a global pandemic that is proving that we still have a way to go as we enter year two of COVID-19, there are some valuable lessons that all educators in higher education should take with them. Some of these lessons should have been learned before you entered the field, but I find that challenging times push many of us to either change for the better or stick to oppressive practices. 

Lesson One: Developing a relationship with each of your students does not weaken you. It does not make you less than. It does not make you less brilliant. It makes you human, which allows you to see the humanity in your students and peers. 

Lesson Two: People have lost loved ones, friends, and family. And are still losing people. Students have lost loved ones to COVID and to gun violence. Just because they are perceived to be adults, does not make the stress of all of it any less potent. This means a rigid syllabus just makes you an asshole. 

Lesson Three: You are the pathway for your students to see the world in a new way. If you are still teaching and using predominately white male scholars in your practice, then they are definitely simply seeing the mythological world and not reality. You must evolve your lens to evolve others. The world is currently a dumpster fire, we need each generation that comes after to know that other ideas, ideologies, and stories exist or else we will cease to exist ourselves. 

Lesson Four: Having empathy and understanding when it comes to students does not lessen your expectations. It does not mean you are playing favorites. It means that you are actually being a teacher, and utilizing differentiation in your practice. Kindness in your practice. Academia does not and should not equal oppressive, patriarchal, and racist practices. It is YOUR class, so do something for good instead of treating the profession as if it is attached to your fucking ego. 

Lesson Five: Find a hobby, a spiritual practice, some friends, a cause, or a combination of any of the aforementioned.  Something that can help you to not take your teaching practice so seriously. It will help you find balance. Look to bell hooks who combined practice, sexuality, intimacy, curiosity, and love into her life. Balanced people are often, balanced educators. And their classrooms are a welcome place for all kinds of students regardless of their learning styles, abilities, or trauma. 

Final Lesson: Always consider the full arc of each student, not just their shortcomings that trigger your bias. This way, when they fall short, or something changes, you will actually notice. And then you can actually see their soul and their intentions, and work with them instead of against them. When you work against them, you are simply either trying to prove that you are right and they are wrong. OR, you are trying to prove that only certain students should be allowed into college, which is probably a bias that was passed down to you. Just because it was passed down does not mean it was valuable or positive.

Please take these lessons into 2022, as we continue to battle another variant, anti-CRT bills, white supremacy, and all those things that can cause anxiety, pain, sadness, and exhaustion for many of our students. As an educator in college, be the light that is so desperately needed. Or not...because lets face it, karma can be a bitch. 

Another Talk to Teachers

"It is not really a “Negro revolution” that is upsetting the country. What is upsetting the country is a sense of its own identity. If, for example, one managed to change the curriculum in all the schools so that Negroes learned more about themselves and their real contributions to this culture, you would be liberating not only Negroes, you’d be liberating white people who know nothing about their own history."  James Baldwin, A Talk to Teachers

    This passage reminds me how the school curriculum has never been meant to liberate or encourage questions. It has always been intended to encourage the norms and structures of society, which means that half-truths and conjecture are often written in textbooks, and repeated in lesson plans. Just recently, a teacher at Lincoln High School in Philadelphia gave his students an assignment asking them to pretend that they were slaves, write a letter to the slavemaster asking for their family to not be sold. This is an African-American studies class. This is a Philly public school. This happened in October 2020. In 1988 in Chicago, at Mother McAuley High School, an American Studies teacher made some of us owners and slaves and proclaimed herself the head slave catcher. The quote from Baldwin was written in 1963. 

    When classroom teachers decide that they want to teach the truth, they first must re-educate themselves and decolonize their own thinking. That can only happen if they realize that they have been miseducated in the first place. That teacher at Lincoln High School was not young or new, he had probably carried that assignment with him unchecked for years. Think of the students he miseducated and traumatized. This is why I am a firm believer that not everyone should be a teacher, and that anyone who does should be a life-long learner in pursuit of the truth. But first, one must acknowledge their implicit bias, racism, and upbringing. And that white supremacy and systemic racism are real. Then and only then can an individual question their own education and challenge their understanding of the world. 

    This is why improving teacher prep programs is not enough. Providing anti-racist workshops and conversation is not enough. Developing a robust and diverse curriculum is not enough. Creating more teaching certificates is not enough. If a person is not committed to ongoing edification and engaging in critical conversations, then they will continue to cause harm to students regardless of any intervention. The final paragraph of A Talk to Teachers, asks educators to do exactly this. Question everything. Challenge and analyze theories. And more importantly, continue to challenge the very pillars of public education by striving to seek and teach the truth by shining a bright light on the lies. But this requires you to shine a light on yourself and recognize how the very lies you need to fight have formed and imbued your very upbringing and status. 

   So educators question everything, challenge everything, and teach social and racial justice for liberation in grades K-12. It is the only way to dismantle and shake up the establishment and create another generation of troublemakers with the courage to question.  Because in the words of Baldwin, 

"America is not the world and if America is going to become a nation, she must find a way—and this child must help her to find a way to use the tremendous potential and tremendous energy which this child represents. If this country does not find a way to use that energy, it will be destroyed by that energy."