I often ponder, what if I had done this? Or what if I had chosen this path instead? Why did I not stay with so and so? All of these questions are moot because life seldom hands us any mistakes. In fact, at times it may seem as if life is serving us a basket of bitter and tasteless apples, but in fact we are there at this time because it is necessary or we are supposed to be here.
When I picked up and went to New York leaving my 3 year old daughter in Chicago, there were many naysayers and folks ready to judge my decision. In fact, I was ready and set to judge myself each and every step of the way. There is nothing harder than being separated from your child.
I have ended relationships because I needed to do something drastic and necessary to stay on this path. I have jumped onto other paths to make other relationships work. All the time thinking that I was in control and in charge. The truth is that no matter how many times I have leaped or stopped or lost my way, the path forged by God has always been clear to Him. And he has always given me eyes to see backwards once I land.
Folks have always got great advice for how you should live your life. How you could do better? And who you should be with. Be careful of listening to those who are wallowing in pain or worst, do not heed their own great advice.
That is why I am certain in my bones that there are no accidents. Everything that has happened in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, has made me into the person that I am today. If I had never met Maya's father, I would not have had my beautiful daughter, despite him proving time and time again that he is incapable of being more than a sperm donor. No regrets or bitterness.
Once I relocated to Philadelphia, I dived even further away from my artistic path. I needed to take some time to raise my daughter and it was getting harder and harder to maintain all of the plates and spin them all at once. And I was quickly drawn back to what society considered safe and predictable. And then I was tossed from that predictability and then a year passed and I was tossed again. And you know what, I landed on my feet. Even better, I landed back on the path.
When I sit back and look over my years, I would not have it any other way. If I am called home, I can say that I lived my life instead of simply waiting for life to happen. Now let me be clear, fear at times burrows a hole in my soul along with doubt. But, thanks to faith and love, I am able to fight it off and see another day. See another goal come to fruition, check another accomplishment off my list, and not let no one ever tell me that I can't.
