These past few months have brought many lessons. Can loved ones be trusted? Will friends always listen? Will promises or intentions be honest and kept? What happens when you are vulnerable an unable to find shelter? Why money and work and security are often combined in order to provide security? Why is it vital to eradicate folks out of your life? All of these questions and many more have led me to realize that if I don’t stop and take care of me and my daughter no one else will be there to pick up the pieces. I have answered phone calls in the midst of the storm when the first few minutes were spent on inquiring about my well-being and the remainder of the conversation was about more work that I just had to do. Only a few have checked in to make sure that I and we actually have a temporary roof over our heads. And my expectation of basic humanity continues to be elevated because I depend on God and not man alone for the small joys that I find in my daughter’s laughter and the release of no longer being in a hostile environment.
I was asked to write an article
and like a reflex, I of course said yes. Not remembering that my computer is in
storage and my notes from said event are in the trash and most importantly, I
just did not and do not have the energy or will to write an article. I do have
the energy to write something real. Something that is viscerally connected to
my current situation because this is where I am. Of course,
we are products of decisions that we make, but it has become abundantly clear
that “life is a good problem to have.” Yes! Despite the twists, turns,
screaming, threats, and loss, God has been there during the good, bad, and
terrible. I have never worked more and friends have been very helpful. But, I
will say this. If you help someone, please do not do it and then hand over some
snarky advice to make yourself feel better. Just keep your help and goodwill
because no one deserves that condescending nonsense.
But, now it is time to say no to
some of the advocacy and volunteer work that I have been doing. Because it is difficult to
lift up and encourage others when your life is a bit out of balance and you do
not have definite housing. This was made abundantly clear when Maya auditioned
for the talent show at her school. She came out beaming with pride and I was
impressed with her choices and her confidence. But, mostly it was the space and
air that I felt in that moment. Despite all of the nonsense, my daughter is
happy. Despite losing our family pet, she is thriving. Despite everything that
I just wrote, she is smiling again. And that is ALL that matters. And I will
not be defined by my precarious finances or anything else. I also will not pick
up the phone if I don’t want to talk, and I will not push myself to organize
others who have the will and sanity to organize themselves.
So this is me saying no for now.
But, I am open for rich conversation, debate, and kindness…everything else need
not apply.
