Each year I reflect on the year. I take stock of the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I move through my emotions and discover the new path granted to me each and every year. A path that is not promised and should never be taken for granted. This year, 2017 ended and I sat unable to write anything about it. I spoke with some friends and mostly prayed and meditated about the great things already coming up, and took notice of my fear about the unknown. But no words...
2018 brings my daughter closer to high school graduation and all of the expectations and stress that comes with that. I have been feeling a bit out of sync and not very organized or helpful when it comes to test prep, scholarships, or college selection. Maya has been definitely bringing me ideas and we have had conversation, but I still feel out of sync and at moments immobilized. Then I remember, I am not alone. And I call my mom, who has already developed a plan to take Maya to see schools in the Midwest that focus on creative writing and art. Today after reviewing her scores, I created an affordable plan to help her make improvements. And I feel less out of sync or even better, less disappointed in myself as a parent. And remember how grateful I am for the village of family and friends that surround me and Maya.
This then turns to the fear that chases me year after year; why the hell am I still working as a professional actor? Is this fair or even good for the welfare of my family? What kind of crazy person chooses a career with the highest level of unemployment?! And instead of leaping headfirst into my fear and panic, I look backwards at all that has been great and all that has been questionable. And I realize that there have been far more victories than defeats, there have been far more friends then enemies, and there is always far more love than despair. So now I can look ahead and tell fear to not bother me no more. And I already booked my first project for 2018. And my first audition for 2018 is tomorrow. I say yes to all of this and more!
In 2016 my church home closed. It was shuttered like a hostile takeover. And since, I have been unable to join another church community. I visit. I watch from the back. I burn a candle and run out. In 2018, I am still working towards healing. But, I can finally say I no longer harbor anger. That righteous anger that made me never want to see another church is slowly subsiding. Now I can speak about it and even share in a worship service without tears or pain. But I am still working it out. And I am not alone because God wraps his arms around me each and every time.
The ongoing organizing for the Black Lives Matter week of Action started as an email in the fall of 2016 and metamorphed into a powerful week of reflection and truth in January of 2017. Today it includes demands about hiring teachers of color and providing anti racist training for educators. It will focus on Colorism, Healing, Immigration and Domestic Violence in Black and Brown communities. There are three times the number of organizers from before and now it is national! This work is often mired in fear and exhaustion, but the joy that comes with working in solidarity with others for a better community, society and world is always worth it. Especially since the world will always be filled with chaos, violence and hatred. It is also always filled with calm, peace and love. Working towards the constant balance brings empowerment and honesty for all of us.
All of this had me paralyzed for a few days. It made the words unable to flow. But today is a new day. Today, I remembered my power and my soul. I remembered that love is always there even in the storm of fear and doubt. It is there in the midst of the greatest misunderstanding. Thank God for reflection and for the strength to always move forward. And knowing that I am always learning and growing until I leave this earthly plane. Hello 2018!
