Despite NO

My daughter, Maya, is in her last year of high school. She has completed all of her college applications and so far has received acceptance letters for 4. As happy and proud as I am each time she receives a YES, I am reminded at how often she received a NO. And I often wonder if I was a parent who believed the system and the tests, and lowered my expectations for her, where would she be?  What would be her trajectory if NO had taken control?

When Maya was 2 years old she was diagnosed with a severe receptive and expressive disorder, and speech therapy was prescribed, twice a week. At the time of her birth, I was on public assistance which meant Maya was placed under a medical microscope. A team of specialists entered my home and determined that she needed speech, but that there may be more issues down the line in regard to attention deficit or more. I decided to let the speech therapy happen but we continued to keep her at home instead of daycare, and that was the best decision for her.

Later, in a daycare setting me and my mother observed children use my daughter as a scapegoat because of her limited ability to speak for herself for anything and everything while the caretakers were in the other room. We immediately pulled her out. This was the start of Maya being silenced. When we relocated to Philadelphia, I had no idea where I should send her to school, so since I went to a Catholic school in Chicago I chose Holy Cross in My Airy. She left for Kindergarten with a huge smile on her face, but I watched her smile eventually fade as the days and months continued. She had a highly ineffective, new teacher. Maya began to act out but when she went to after care, which was was ran by three older women, she was great and more importantly she was loved. I truly believe we only survived that school because of the amazing after care program and the dance classes at Allen's Lane Art Center.

After applying for Green Street Friends and receiving a NO from them (a very not kind rejection), I soon realized I had to start teaching again in order to check out a school as a spy and not a parent. So I started subbing at a few schools, and stumbled across Khepera Charter School. So I sent Maya there for first grade. Her teacher was amazing. Very nurturing and provided Maya some confidence in school, but more importantly she truly cared for Maya. She would let her draw during class, which always calmed her. I breathed a sigh of relief. Until she reached 4th grade and then, the bullying escalated from students and teachers alike, and despite my best efforts, I knew that it was time to move on.

During this entire time, Maya continued with speech therapy in Chicago and Philadelphia. Often the schools provided the most mediocre services, which is why I am thankful to Theraplay in Horsham for being a consistent service for her. And even more thankful that my insurance covered it.  They are one of the reasons that she started to discover her voice. A reality is that if you are not your child’s advocate especially if they have an IEP, then they will be lost to the cracks of bureaucracy.

Then after more research, I found the gem of Lingelbach Elementary. Here is where Maya had her first black male teacher in the 5th grade. And let me just say, it was here that she finally found another adult who truly cared for her. So by this time Maya only had a positive school experience with the after care staff in Kindergarten, her first grade teacher, her dance instructor, and now Mr. Tolbert. Let me just say the special education services at Lingelbach blended perfectly with her outside services. And she came leaps and bounds in terms of her academic achievement, and her participation in Dragonboats made her love the water even more. I felt welcome as a parent. Now the bullying continued, but she now had adults who believed her instead of blaming her.

So it was recommended that she apply for two programs, Steppingstone and A Better Chance (ABC). Both provide a pathway for minority student from Grade 7 through college. I had actually done some grant writing for one of the organizations so I felt confident that one would prove to be a great fit for Maya. This is during the frenzy of standardized testing, which were always telling Maya NO because she was below basic, or basic. But, these programs claimed to not care about that. We went with excellent teacher recommendations. The first program interviewed me and Maya, separately. After consideration, she received a NO.

For ABC, all prospective students must sit for a test. Since Maya had an IEP since Kindergarten, she had never been timed for any exam. When I called to register her, I mentioned that and asked for accommodations, and I was told that none would be given. So I started to prep her for what was to come. And then we traveled to Washington DC for her to take the first available exam. The first thing I noticed, is that I was sitting in a room of Black parents, and the room was teeming with hope and desperation. Because many of us believe that we have to compete for our children to have a chance. And that is simply ludicrous but a painful reality. Needless to say, after all of that, Maya received another NO. I always thought it was odd that a test precedes you actually getting to know the child and the families, but I digress.

So once these letters came, I quickly realized I needed a place for Maya to continue to grow for 8th grade and beyond or else. She was starting to read The Color Purple and The Hobbit. Her 5th - 7th grade teachers truly nurtured critical thinking and her curiosity. But, she needed more. So I had to get creative. I started meeting with principals at special admission schools in Philadelphia. Because lets face it, my child is more than just a score but I knew I would have to build a case in a system that loves its flawed test scores. And then Hill Freedman became a possibility, mostly because I had covered a few stories there as a journalist. Once again, my work allows me a unique inside look. After a few conversations and completing the application process, a spot opened up in 8th grade, and we said YES.

Her love for reading continued to flourish. We went to the library each week from K thru 8th grade. And now she simply goes on her own and is never without two or three books. Art has always been a constant, whether it’s visual, music or dance.  This was supported by outside programs at Fleischer and Settlement School of Music. Now, her mind and spirit are being nurtured in this safe environment. I will add that the bullying stopped around 7th grade because Maya decided that it was okay to be exactly who she was no matter what people said. And this was only possible because we finally found adults at the school who supported this journey and made her feel safe.

Now many of these rejections, Maya was shielded from. But, what if I believed every negative thing that was ever shared with me about my child. "She doesn't play well with others. She makes weird noises. She is fat. Why does she always draw in that notebook? Her scores are so low that she may be mentally handicapped." And this is just a sample. This blog is for everyone and every institution that said NO. And it is especially for any person or parent who has been told NO.

Today, Maya Simone Anderson is a senior in high school. She has  4.0 GPA at an IB school and ranks 3/135. Her writing has garnered her awards from the NAACP and Honorable mention from Scholastic. Her love for others, especially her teachers, came to the attention of NPR who did an interview with her about giving back. She has earned the 2nd highest award in Girl Scouts, the Silver Award, and she is still a member. This is just a sample of what she has already done. And watch out world because she is just getting started. But, I wonder what if she had a different mother, a different family, or a different support system? I know what it would look like because I have seen it in my classrooms and with my clients, she would be lost and relegated to the sidelines of defeat. She would have no voice. And she may have become a bully herself since the people in charge kept telling her, "It's a phase and maybe if you acted different they would treat you different." Since I called bullshit where I saw it and navigated the terrain so that she could have chance, all of those NOs did not defeat my child.

So remember YOU are ready despite NO. Remember that your children cannot overcome obstacles alone. One's ability to ask for help which makes the difference between success and failure starts with them being able to count on family first. There are many outside art programs that provide no money or offer scholarships so never let that be a barrier. And, lastly, remember that you are more than a test score, an evaluation, or an opinion. You are the epitome and power of YES.

Who you really mad at?

While getting my hair cut the other day, I overheard a conversation. A guy believed his current girlfriend was cheating on him. Despite the fact that he doesn’t like labels anyway. And he is usually the side piece for a few women. He turned over a new leaf. He is now faithful and open about his emotions. But he is also mad that she doesn’t recognize that and appreciate all that he does for her. But he just wants her to be honest. Then it ended with him mentioning karma for all that he has done in the past. And he is mad about all of this. But, who is he really mad at?

Relationships, whether friendships, friends with benefits or actual serious partnerships, can be difficult. Mostly because we get mad about not making a decision. When you are faced with strife in a relationship often we let anger simmer because we never state to our partner or ourselves the truth about our actual feelings. If something is stressful outside of said relationship, that can result in horizontal anger. Meaning you take it out on someone because you can’t face the demon at work or wherever. So I ask again, who are you mad at?

Communication and honesty should not be a struggle. It should be simple, but it is not. Especially in the world of text messages and social media. No one speaks directly to anyone, they simply post a passive aggressive message on FB or even worse send a litany of text messages. All bad. Face to face is always best. Or walk away in silence. And trust me you will feel better for it.

There is always a good reason to be mad. There is also always a reason to be happy. There is a time to fight, a time to stay, and a time to walk away. You must choose or else you will make yourself crazy. If you are circling the drain of doubt and questions. Find the answers and then make a decision. But, don’t wallow in anger. Don’t search a person’s phone for evidence. Don’t jump out of the bushes. Don’t avoid it altogether by simply making the situation worse. Don't compare them to every other deadbeat you have dated. Just stop and make a decision. For you and your mental and emotional health. Because let’s face it, the only person we can ever control is ourselves.

Oh yeah, and since he asked. My advice to the guy in the barbershop was that maybe the lesson is that he is actually capable of caring for someone,  being emotionally open, and more than a side piece. And either you believe her or you don’t. Simple. And your decision.

Are you a real actor?

This question along with, When you get your big break, make my ass hurt. It truly makes me want to slap the taste out of someone’s mouth. But more than that it’s disrespectful and rimmed with a level of ignorance. There are many levels to working in this business. You can be famous. You can have a list of  co-star one liners or a string of regional Theatre credits. You can be on Broadway. You can be a commercial principle or background. You can be a stand in for a series. And the star of your own YouTube channel or web series. All of these make you a working, hustling artist.

So the next time someone tries to shoot you down because they simply do not get it or even worse they are jealous because they haven’t pursued their own dreams. Or even worse, they stopped believing in them altogether. Simply say, yes, I am a working actor who is grateful for all of my wins and opportunities. And most of all I am grateful that I will never give up.  And then turn on your heel and let them watch you swagger off into the sunset.

This life is not for the meek. And it takes a level of commitment that most commoners can never comprehend. In a time where we are mired in BS, hate, and fear, there is no better time to claim what you want your life to look like. If not you, who? And if not now, when?