Lessons that can change you...if you let them

Today, I was awakened with a memory about two places that could have either pushed me to where I am now, or they could have pushed me on an entirely different trajectory. This memory reminded me that words have power and that teachers and/professors can use their power for good or for harm. This is for anyone who was told they were not good enough and for those who were relegated to the sidelines or even worse rendered silent.

The first place that taught me this lesson was my high school, Mother McAuley. First, let me say that the opportunities and programs available at this school were amazing. But there was also a door, an invisible one that allowed some to participate and some to be left out. When it came to students of color there were hardly any. In fact there were only three of us in the honors program. The first thing I did was audition for the school musical. Now I was told, "You are probably not going to get cast because they never cast Black students." Well no matter how valid that was, you should never tell me never.

So I auditioned. And I got cast as a dancer in Bye Bye Birdie. Now dancing was my life. I had been taking lessons since the age of 4 but it was something I wanted to do professionally as I began to take lessons at actual professional companies while in high school, I was hooked and auditioned for all the shows. But my most memorable one was not what you may think. I wasn't often a dancer chorus member. Only selected to play a lead in a musical when the role asked for a  Black actor who could tap. The most memorable was when I auditioned for all state. All state was a program that held auditions throughout Illinois for either a musical or a straight play. And the selected students performed at a college usually a big ten school. That year me and another student got chosen to be in it. And it was a supporting role. But this and Come Back to the Five and Dime silenced the rejection I often felt in the theater department. I often felt silenced and even worse invisible.

This propelled me to major in musical theatre and ignore all those engineering scholarships I received. If that had not happened my senior year I would have always believed that I could never achieve more than the chorus.

The second place that drilled this lesson home in a more direct and negative manner was Millikin University. So I auditioned and I got in. I met some friendly faces from all state and from summer stock. And I thought okay this will be great. And then it wasn't.  No matter what I auditioned for, I never got cast or chosen for anything. In fact I was told that my dance technique was weak and I needed to start from scratch. And I was often told that my singing was not up to part also. Okay. So I auditioned for dance ensemble. Another no. Until I was told anyone can contribute a piece to dance concerts. So over two years I choreographed over 6 and they were well received. When Lane Alexander came to give a master class, he made me feel special. More importantly, he saw me. And my favorite professor quickly became the tap instructor who quickly advanced me to tap 4 with the older students.

I changed my major from musical theater to theater design. Because I started to believe what the rejection was saying even as I was actively directing and choreographing. I thought I would be better and more effective behind the scenes. And the scenic department was very supportive unlike the musical theater department which was not. I coordinated an independent study that challenged color blind casting with excerpts from a variety of shows. The black box was packed both nights of performances. I stopped singing that year but no one noticed because no one cared. And I taught myself all that I needed to be a scenic arts designer. Moving further and further away from where I started.

Sometimes you can be told no so often that no matter your fight you begin to actively believe the naysayers and adapt.

My writing also started at this place. Thanks to a caring professor. At this point I only had 3. Dr. Davenport was my English professor and he encouraged the development of my written voice by showing me bell hooks and Toni Morrison. The newly formed International Studies Department was just starting a multicultural newsletter called, N Da Mix. It showcased art work and more. It was a place for nonwhite students to share their work and ideas. Most of my articles made the front page and were often challenging the status quo. And more importantly issues of race on campus. It definitely came with some social pariah consequences but it was another space where I was never told no.

Thank goodness I transferred after my second year or I would never be doing what I'm doing today. I would never be the amazing professional artist that you see today. And all of this became possible because I met someone on my first day at University of Illinois in Champaign - Urbana. I went to find my old director from the all state play. The play that gave me real confidence and he wasn't not there. This is where I ran into Marvin Simms. He was one of the theatre professors and one of two African Americans in the department. The first day we met, I poured my soul out to him. All of the hurt and pain from both of these places just landed in front of him. And he looked at me and saw me. Really saw me. And put me back on stage. And I am thankful for all of those No's and other forms rejection.

Being a professional actor requires one hearing the word No all the time. It is never attached to a letter or an explanation, it simply happens. And more often than not it has nothing to do with talent, it has to do with so many other factors. So thank you Mother McAuley and Millikin for teaching me the truth about the life you nearly turned me away from. And thank you to those angels that God placed in my path along the way to make sure that my gifts didn't sour and waste away into bitter nothingness. Now go realize your dreams and never let anyone tell you that you can't, you shouldn't or even worse you are unworthy.

The cycle of brokenness

Today, I taught a great class. One of the discussions centered on honesty and relationship building. Then that leaped directly into goals and the ability to do better or wanting better. This made me realize that society is filled with broken people who are unable to get to their dreams and if you are not careful they will run ramshod through yours. If you let them.

First let me define what I mean by the term "brokenness." It is a state of being where one continues to experience trauma because they have not sought professional help or because they continue to repeat the trauma, which then creates a cycle of broken relationships, unaccomplished goals, and unachievable growth.

Often, we have someone or a few soomebodies who fit this description as a friend or as a family member. Sometimes we even encounter them in an intimate relationship or as a parent. In the artistic world they can manifest as peers who simply can never get out of their own way and every obstacle they face is never their fault. No matter where they pop up, they remind us that healing is not as easy as snapping your fingers or praying it away. First, one has to acknowledge that the trauma happened and then they have to find help. And then they have to put in the work to find the path towards healing and wholeness.

Both of these tasks can be daunting because many of us love the world of denial. You know that place where nothing and everything never is. You have to listen and be aware. You have to find out what the fuck is wrong. But that is at times impossible if you are deep in the cycle of brokenness. So deep that it feels more normal than chaotic. It feels better to be hurting than to be healed. It feels better to hurt others than to stop inflicting pain. 

And I realize that I encounter this in my life because I can appear like a safe harbor. For some, I can give a hug and a possible path to healing. But the cost for those of us that have already done much of this work can be very high. At times it can be downright dangerous and even worse damaging. Because it takes constant work to maintain a state of healing and calm. It takes constant dedicated practice to always live in joy and honesty rather than delusion. It takes constant dedication to stay steadfast in my journey towards what God has promised for me. 

Now I realize that mental health is a messy place. But it is the key to so much that is wrong with the world. It is the key to us treating each other better, loving healthier, living more in truth, and more importantly it can be the healthy contagion necessary to eradicate the dark that exists everywhere. But we have to start with us. And we have to be careful. Because the brokenness of others  has a way of trying to rebreak you if you are not paying attention. 

Loving only works if it comes from the light. Growing only happens if you nourish it. Healing only occurs if you actually take one step toward it.