Well 2024 is nearly coming to a close. In 8 more days it will be 2025. This year started off in a whirlwind. I was on the creative team and a part of the brilliance that was Raisin in the Sun at Bristol Riverside Theatre. Went to the Hermitage Artists Retreat one last time. I was elected to be a council member of Actors Equity Association blah blah blah… And then right before I was headed to reprise one of my favorite roles, I started to experience a pain like no other. And finding the right doctor or doctors to get the correct information and care was imperative, but it is never easy to advocate for yourself when you can barely walk or even worse, the pain just keeps getting worse.
Now just before this, I hosted an End of Play virtual event sponsored by the Dramatists Guild where over 40 playwrights/writers attended from all over. Ideas and words were shared and we gave kind words, encouragement, and suggestions. Followed by pain and the unknown. At the time, I was too fearful and angry to see the lesson. Or even care, if there was one. But, now that I am on the other side and healing has happened (it is still happening). Swimming, acupuncture, physical therapy, osteopathy, and a wonderful doctor (that I found after seeking a second opinion - everyone should always do this) resulted in me being pain free, stronger, and walking (dancing even). By combining older healing practices with newer ones.
Before I celebrate, let me get to this lesson. Sometimes you are sidelined for a variety of reasons but sidelined nonetheless. And, you are forced to be still, forced to listen. For me, this was me reconnecting with God and my spiritual pathway. A pathway that was forged for me from a child by my mother and grandmother. And sometimes life, people, the faithless, the world gets in the way of that relationship. When I was sidelined, I was quickly reminded that my core relationship, my weekly relationship, my ride and die, my bestie has never and never will be a person. Are there versions of these relationships in human form, of course. But the one relationship that has never failed me is the one I have with God. And just writing this, has given me the words to describe what I have been feeling.
Now while the world, my country, my state, my city, and my fellow humans are headed towards their own version of a reckoning, I sit here in a chair surrounded by my faith and the love that God has for me. Because after all the fighting and chaos is done, it is where I am cared for, nurtured, and replenished. In fact, I believe that I was sidelined because of all that I had been taking on for a very very long time. Being the person in an organization who is always the mediator, the knowledge bearer, the solver of problems can take a physical, emotional, and spiritual toll especially if you are seldom refilling your tank. And even when I believed that I was “resting” and “looking out for self” I was not…I was definitely not. I was reminded each time someone checked in and asked what I was up to…the list I always gave never seemed to get smaller and their response of taking a breath for me after I spoke said everything but I was not always listening. The pain came with depression. It was a painful but necessary reminder that I am only human, and one person with one body, mind, and spirit that are not replaceable parts.
So let me say the lesson again, for me. I sit here in a chair surrounded by faith and the love that God has for me. He will never put me on a path without protecting me, and obstacles litter the path so that I can see and pay attention to the lessons meant for me. And only me. The last time I had time to actually sit and ponder was in 2020, and now again in 2024. I literally have no idea what is next for me. But, I am preparing and prepared for all things. Again, I am preparing and prepared for all things. Everything that God has for me is already mine. So I am going to leave worry and doubt on somebody else’s doorstep because if I have faith, then I am trusting in what is not known yet to me. I am standing on the cliff ready for the next leap of faith because I am ready. Because the proof is in the past, what is meant for me is already ordained to be.
Unlike previous years, this is not a list of what I am thankful for and all of the wins. This is a year filled with pain and the joy of seeing the other side. Smiling from my heart and spirit, but also being okay when tears and sadness appear. Reminding me that ALL of me is ALWAYS enough. God is real and works through me and others. And THAT fills my tank with love, love, love.
