Exhaustion looks like

I want to live my life as an artist. This decision comes with some difficult choices. For example, as I continue to find more and more success as an actress/singer, I still grow weary of supplementing my income with other non-artistic work. Of course, I seldom complain because what good does it do. But it can be exhausting and that is what I want to share with you. Just because I am able to earn money from doing a show 7-8 times per week and twice on Sunday and Wednesday does not mean that it is not exhausting. Just because I love being on stage and in front of the camera does not mean that I do not get tired like anyone else who works a job they love or hate. Because despite the make up and the pretty costumes and the accolades, this is a job.

It is even more exhausting when others assume that you are having such a great time with no struggles or trauma, simply because you are doing what you love. Well when what you love pays as inconsistent as this work does, it can make you weary. And at times, even after a great show and a great audition like I had today, I get weary.

I constantly write about the many blessings that God continues to shower upon my life, and how many of those blessings allow me to live my life as an artist. But there are times that I feel as if I cannot breathe or make a positive decision because a bill is due that cannot be paid on time or sometimes not at all. There are times that I do not want to walk into a substandard charter school and earn some extra dollars as a substitute teacher because the toxic environment makes me feel so depressed for the children, teachers, and myself. There are times that my college students literally make me want to push them out a window as a result of poor writing or simply having a poor work ethic. There are moments that I wish I could simply exist in my art and that the financial blessings would ALWAYS match the spiritual/creative ones.

So you know what? I will admit that I am exhausted. I will admit that at times I am so broke, I cannot afford to pay attention or to even attend a show to support my friends who are performing. But, I will not give in nor will I give up. But if you see me next time and I am complaining about work, do not negate my vent by saying, “Well you are lucky because you are doing what you love. And you always look like you are having so much fun.” Take a breath before that crazy shit falls from your mouth and realize that it is also hard work and the dedication it takes to keep going can at times be exhausting, mind boggling, and even impossible at times. And unlike many, I am working several jobs I can barely stand in order to stay in my actress/singer lane so it is not on all giggles and glitter.