After Escape from Purgatory

Last night I held a concert. It was titled, "Escape From Purgatory: The Concert," because the last several months have been interestingly difficult. I discovered something new and familiar about a person that I had known for over 30 years. I say familiar because some of the behaviors were not as much a surprise as they were disappointing. The final straw involved child endangerment and that is when I had to take care of me and Maya and split.

This led me on a path that reminded me each day that I was single, Black, had poor credit, and was the mother of a teenager. I had forgotten that housing could be so elusive. In the midst of it all, my network of friends helped and we found temporary refuge as I continued to be shown places that even a local crack head would think twice about moving into. And it reminded me that many of our women are even more vulnerable than I ever was because they have no one. And the person that I spoke of treated me as if I had no one, and that is a feeling I do not wish to revisit.

The temporary place provided refuge and time. I needed time to look, pray, look, and pray again. And throughout this experience, I am working several jobs at once, and still traveling to NYC for auditions. Let me say something about auditions. You are revealing yourself each time you audition for someone. A bit of yourself is in the space in order to achieve "the divine experience" I have written about before. The problem lies in when you are experiencing trauma, actual real life trauma. That can also come in the room with you and choke the life out of the experience so it was vital that I prayed and meditated each night in order to achieve some sort of balance since despite everything I still had to live and survive.

During the move to the temporary refuge, our cat, Peaches, who we had for nearly 7 years came up missing. Do you know what it's like to hear the air leave your child's body as they are gasping and screaming from tears? Do you know what its like to hear a scream that comes from deep within? And not being able to fix it. I blamed myself first because none of this would have happened if we had never moved in the first place. But that pity party helps no one so I prayed for Peaches return, And after a week, I prayed that he had a painless transition. Maya, my daughter had her own process. After Day 4, she came home and said, "I am getting rid of his things. I can't keep coming into this house hoping to see him. I will not do that. I hope that a nice family found him. I miss him. He was my best friend." And then I continued to pray.

And then just before the deadline, we found a place. Thanks to a friend. A beautiful space that is truly filled with calm energy and much needed room to breathe.

"I know you're walking down a lonesome road and your heart is carrying a heavy load. I know you feel like you don't have a friend. And the whole world is caving in..." Marvin Gaye

I sang this song last night and many songs with a similar theme. Listen.

"One fine morning when this life is over, I'll fly away"
"They call it Stormy Monday but Tuesday's just as bad"
"I was made to lover her worship and adore her, yay yay yay.."
"Breaking rocks out here on the chain gang. Breaking rocks and serving my time"

And then I served up some For Colored Girls who've considered suicide when the rainbow isn't enuf  by Ntozake Shange.

"but a real dead lovin is here for you now/cuz I don't know anymore/how to avoid my own face wet with my tears/cuz i had convinced myself colored girls had no right to sorrow/ and i lived and loved that way..."

"I cdnt stand bein sorry and colored at teh same time. its so redundant in the modern world"

All of this despite, the flat tire and everything else that made the concert start late, brought me great joy. Tears of joy. Tears of release from being seen and heard as opposed to ignored and trampled on. Then I came home after cooking some yummy veggie chilli and sharing a night with some friends and prayed. Prayed, spoke to a dear friend, and then slept. Slept like a baby...until next time